Itachi's Journal: The Akatsuki Chronicles
by wolfrun1
Summary: Sequel to "Deer Mr. Jurnal". After the attack on Konoha, Naruto and his friends are left to clean up the mess. But what's that in the debris? A journal? Whose? Itachi's! Who do you think brought it here...?
1. Prologue

I can't believe so much is gone. The Hokage tower—burned down. The Academy—I can't honestly say that I'm actually gonna miss that place—has a giant hole in the middle of it. The hospital…won't be releasing any patients anytime soon. The Uchiha estate—burned to the ground the moment Sasuke entered the village (note to self: ask him about that). Ichiraku's ramen stand…I don't even want to talk about it (sniff). My apartment…

"Oh, shit—I haven't checked on my house yet!"

I started running down the street; trying to get home before I could imagine the worst. And I was so preoccupied by my racing thoughts, that I didn't notice Sakura-chan had crossed my path.

_BAM_

I was knocked to the ground, and so was she.

"_NARUTO_" She shook her fist at me angrily and stood up. "You better watch where you're going next time, you idiot!"

"Sa-Sorry, Sakura-chan", I apologized and helped her dust off.

She sighed, "It's Ok. I wasn't really watching were I was going either."

That's when I saw it on the ground: The Book. I picked it up.

"Sakura-chan, is this yours?"

"Huh? No, it's not _mine_…I found it in the debris."

"How can you be reading at a time like this!?" Not only that, but books are _so_ boring.

She snatched it from me. "Shut it! This isn't a regular book—it looks like a journal, but I haven't read any of it yet." Well, I say if it has pages and you _have_ to read it, it's a book. Anything less is just fancy paper.

"Whose journal is it?"

"I…don't know…. I don't recognize the hand writing. And, for some reason, it looks like the first half of it is ripped clean out." She explained to me as she flipped through the pages.

"Well, maybe you should take it to the lost and found they set up at the front ga—"

"—Naruto! Check this out!" She shoved the open book into my hands and pointed to a passage.

I read it out loud.

"_My mission today went unexpectedly. I was just planning on entering the village, warning to the Elders that I'm still alive and what I hope they believe is well. The demon container was just an excuse for me to leave the hide out_….' Is this about me…?"

"Well, you're the only jinchuuriki I know…. Do you remember anyone being after you?"

I laughed. "Sakura-chan, who isn't after me?" She hit me for that one.

"Quit joking around!"

"…Well, I know that the _Akatsuki_…And now that I think about it, Itachi and that fish guy came after me back when the perverted hermit…Jiriaya..."

Sakura-chan put her hand on my shoulder. "When what? When he took you training?"

"No," I shook my head. "Back when he needed to find Tsunade-obaa—aahh!"

"Show the Hokage _some _respect, dumb ass! So they attacked you when you were searching for her…. Maybe this belongs to one of them."

"Yeah, maybe. Or it could belong to one of those Pein guys, or that blue-haired girl. They were just here _and _after me. It might even belong to one of those zombie freaks…."

"No…the 'zombies' attacked the fire temple and we caught up to them a few miles out."

"Well, you never know—Shikamaru could have kept the freak's diary as a memento or something."

"Maybe…. Just keep reading."

"…_I wasn't actually planning on catching him. But I still wasn't really expecting so many people to be guarding him: Kakashi-kouhai, Asuma-sensei,_' See, it says 'Kakashi' and 'Asuma-sensei'."

"Yeah, but if you continue reading, it says '_Kurenai-sensei'_ and _'Gai-sensei'_ too. They weren't at either of the fights with Hidan and Kakuzu. Plus, Kakashi wasn't even with Asuma when he fought. And why would they call sensei 'kouhai'—neither of them knew him like that; they couldn't have been his sempai."

"Uh huh…." She had a point. "So that leaves Pein, the blue paper lady, Itachi, and fish man."

"So who do you think it is?"

"I don't know." I turned to her and smiled. "It might not be any of theirs. They could be talking about Gaara or another carrier—you remember the puppet man and bomber chick, right?" That girl was hot.

"How could I forget Sasori…? But that still doesn't explain Asuma and Kurenai." She bowed her head in thought and then snapped it back up. "Wait—chick? Deidara was a guy!"

"A wha—dammit!"

"How can you be so stupid—it's so obvious!?"

"No it's not! He looked like a girl!"

"So did Itachi!"

"Well I just assumed that that ran in his family!"

"Rani in his--Sasuke-kun does _not _look like a girl!"

"W-well, Deidara wore a belly shirt!"

"And Haku wore a kimono! Don't tell me you thought _he _was a girl too?"

"…."

"You…you didn't…. Did you?"

I nodded my head.

"You'd think that I guy whose infamous for transforming into a girl would know the difference between a man and a woman!"

"Sa-Sakura-chan, we—we're getting off subject! Let's just keep reading. '_I almost blacked out after fighting Kakashi, so Kisame—_"

"—Kisame was the blue guy's name. He was Itachi's partner."

"So this _is_ his…. But…who would have Itachi's diary?"

I thought about it a second before looking up to meet Sakura's eyes. I could tell she knew too.

"Sasuke."

Time to go get some answers.

0123456789

Hope you guys like the first chapter. I know it's shorter than it should be…. And out later than I promised…. But I'll try to update as often as I can. Though, with school starting in just a few days, I can't be sure how often "as often" is.

Oh, and I feel that I should warn you that this story doesn't have a plot...yet. It might get one at some point. Maybe. As far as I know right now, this will just be a bunch of journal entries (some (most) funny, some serious) about life in the Akatsuki that lead up the Great Uchiha Battle (capitalizing the words makes it important).

Please Keep Reading and REVIEW (all caps make it really, really important).


	2. The Hell?

Ah—stating out with such a silly chapter doesn't do the reader any good, now does it? No real information. I _should_ have started out all serious and then just slapped some stupid on top of it like I did with _Deer Mr. Jurnal_, but, _no_, I didn't. Enjoy my single chapter of serious…ly stupid…ness…ness-ness.

(Oh) Warning: Sasuke is my favorite character—right behind Itachi—in the series. Obviously, any Uchiha-bashing that takes place in this stupid, little story is for comedic purpose and comedic purpose only.

Enjoy!

(IJAC)

Sakura ran only steps behind me as we made our way down the long, stony hallway of the Hokage Mountain's safe house. It was the only place left that was sturdy enough to hold the enemies we captured during and after the fight. It was hard to bring this big rock down.

"SASUKE!" I called out at the top of my voice, straining it.

I could feel Sakura slowing and then we both came to a stop.

"…What is it, Sakura-chan?" I asked when I turned faced her.

"Nothing…" She shook her head and began running again. "I just…had a deja vu moment. It's nothing."

We reached the cell at the end of the hall. It was covered in so many sealing tags that you could hardly see though the bars.

"Please don't disturb him." The voice didn't come from Sasuke's cage, but from the one next to it. "Sasuke-kun is resting at the moment." The man, Juugo, peered at us through the bars of his cage. He was leaning on the far wall of the cell, his body rapped tightly in curse-strengthened black hair. The wall was the only thing holding him upright.

"Yeah," The girl from Sasuke's team, Karin I think, agreed from the corner of her cell. She stood up, straightening her glasses as she walked toward the door, I guess to get a better look at us. Cocking her head to the side and resting a hand on her hip, she asked, "What do you want with Sasuke-kun, anyways, brats?"

"I don't think that's any of your business." Karin's eye twitched a little when she turned to glare in the direction of the new voice. It was the last member of their team…um, what was it? Sweejetsu…?

Whatever, 'looks _fishy_.

"Shut your mouth, you wet piece of shit!"

"It isn't any of ya business what they want with the boss—you're not his; he's not yours."

Karin twitched again.

"Suigetsu…." Juugo began, his voice slightly above a whisper.

"I doubt he'd _ever_ go for a _tramp_ like you." He rolled his eyes, smirking as he turned his back to her.

I could almost see the dark and thunderous clouds gather around the red-head girl, "Shut up!"

You know, if I'd never seen these people fight, I'd have trouble understanding why Sasuke chose them to walk along side him….They're nuts.

"What—it's true. You've got no chance with a guy like him…. _Juugo_ would have a better chance with a guy like him."

"What's that supposed to mean!?" Sakura-chan and the other girl both screamed together.

"You better not be calling him…_that_." Sakura shook a fist in Suigetsu's direction.

"Huh—Juugo? No, I'm not."

I had to hold Sakura back. "Sasuke-kun is as straight a as an arrow!"

"…Arrows? What are you talking about, Sakura-chan?" I turned her to face me. "I thought he was calling Sasuke gay. Why'd you start mentioning weapons all of a sudden?"

"Who're you to get so defensive?" The skinny guy continued, talking to Sakura and _ignoring_ me. "D'd ya date him?" Before she could answer, Suigetsu raised an eyebrow at us and turned to Karin. "Hey, bitch, maybe you _do _have a chance." Karin shot him a questioning glance. "Obviously he's is into _ugly_ girls."

My grip on Sakura got tighter (man, this guy must have a death wish).

Then I heard it—the sound of ripping. Sakura pulled out her kunai before I even knew what was going on.

The noise was coming from Juugo's cell. His restraints were breaking.

I pulled out a kunai too. The guards jumped out of their hiding places and began whispering frantically to each other when the curse marks started crawling up Juugo's neck.

"_What do we do?_

"_We can't kill him."_

"_Then how do we stop him?"_

"_If we don't do something quick, he'll break free!"_

"_Someone open the door, we need to tighten the restraints."_

"_If we open the door, he'll get out, idiot."_

"Let me handle this." The calm voice came from a forgotten cell.

Everyone was quiet for a moment. Sasuke rose from the floor and made his way to the edge of his cell that was the closest to Juugo's cage. I could see a glint of red through the bars.

"Juugo…." He whispered the name.

The man's head snapped in Sasuke's direction and, using the arm that he had just successfully freed, he pulled himself closer to the door…

…and immediately collapse when his eyes met the Uchiha's.

I took the silence as my chance to speak.

"So, bastard…" I couldn't help but let a cool (sexy) smirk cross my (manly) lips when he actually responded to such an insulting name. "…you're finally awake. Have a nice nap, pretty boy?" Oh, I am _good_.

"I did, actually." My face totally did _not_ falter when he responded with that unbothered look of his.

"Naruto", Sakura pushed on my arm, sending me in the bastard's direction. "The _book_?"

Oh yeah….The reason we're here…totally forgot.

I unzipped my jacket and let the journal fall out and into my hand. I saw Sasuke's eye twitch through the bars. Whether it was his reaction to the extreme sexiness of my now exposed muscle shirt or the book in my hands, I'll never know….

Fine, it was the book—happy?

I waved it in front of him, "Look familiar, bastard?"

He didn't answer me, which is pretty much a "yes", right?

As if reading my mind, Sasuke let out an "Hn" and then continued on with actual words: "I've never seen that thing in my life, dead last. I don't keep a journal."

I frowned at him and pulled the book back. "Maybe you're right", I rolled my eyes and opened the book, flipping through the pages. "I guess only gay dudes keep diaries."

"But, I have a diary…." Sai muttered from the corner (when did he get here?).

I was about to turn and laugh in his face, but Sasuke's growl cut me off.

"It's not a _diary_, moron, it's a _journal_."

"Same difference, bastard, gay is gay. A diary is a diary whether you spell it with a d or with a g."

"Journal is spelled with a j."

"Shut up!"

"Naruto, this isn't going anywhere." Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose.

Sai came up beside me. "There are ways of getting him to talk."

I looked over at him, "Like how?"

"I learned in Root…" He looked over at Sakura and the surrounding Anbu guards for a moment and then back at me, "that sometimes torture works in getting people to talk."

"I'm not hiding anything", oh, I could just _hear_ him rolling his eyes. "Besides, I can _handle_ pain."

"Whose journal is it, Naruto-kun?" Sai reached for the book.

"Uh, it's Uchiha Itachi's diary." I rested my hands behind my head.

"Sasuke-kun's brother?"

"Yeah", I quirked an eyebrow when he opened the book, "What are you planning, Sai?"

"Well…" He flipped through the pages, "maybe you could—I don't know—read some of it out loud." Sasuke took in a sharp breath.

"What would that do?"

"Well, nothing right now." He looked into my eyes, "But maybe—if we brought more of our peers…."

"Oh…" I couldn't help the sneaky smile that pulled my lips apart. "Now...now I get it."

Heh heh heh….

(IJAC)

"Naruto."

"Naruto?"

"N-Naruto-kun?"

I could hear my name being called all over the room.

"Naruto, what are we doing here?"

"I have work, you know."

"The hospital's going to be wondering were Hinata and I are…."

"The chuunin exams will be starting in a few weeks. Uh, this is so troublesome, Temari's going to kill me…."

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!"

"Naruto-san," Gaara pulled on my jacket to get my attention. "Why did you call us all here?"

"Uh, well", I cleared my throat to get everyone's attention, "I've called you all here to help me out."

"With what?"

"Well…we found this book", I held it up, "and—"

"What kind of book?"

"Cook book?"

"Why is the front half torn off?"

"Hey…!" Sakura cut them all off. "Sasuke-kun brought the book with him. It belonged to his brother." Everybody's eyes went wide. "We're trying to get him to tell us more about it, but he's not talking."

"Is that…a journal?"

"Itachi has a journal?"

"Oh, my gosh, who would have thought?"

"What does that have to do with us?"

"We thought that if we read it out loud, he might get embarrassed or something."

"Sasuke-kun doesn't get embarrassed, silly!"

"We don't even know Sasuke that well." Temari cut in.

"Yeah--why are we here?" Kankuro asked.

"Well, you guys came to the village to help us fight…and we needed people our age…. You hadn't exactly _left_ yet..."

"Ah…." Gaara nodded his head.

I opened up the book and flipped to somewhere in the middle. "Well, here we—"

"Why don't you start from the beginning?"

"Don't feel like it."

"But—"

"Just let me read, dammit!"

"…_Fine_."

"OK, here we go…. 'Dear Journal….

(IJAC)

Dear Journal,

Did you know that the tongue was the strongest muscle in the body? I sure didn't. It's so small.

I mean, back at the ninja academy, we were taught how to build up the muscles in our arms, legs, chest, and abs but they never said anything about our _mouth_.

And how would you work out that muscle anyways? Would you tie something to it? Do tongue lifts? What about licking things? Maybe you could start out licking soft and easy things and then work your way up to harder, rougher things. Would that work?

And if tongues are so strong, wouldn't that mean Deidara was stronger than me (physically, that is)? Who would win an arm wrestling competition—Deidara or Kisame?

Though, I doubt anyone would want to hold hands with him.

Can he lift things with the tongues on his hand?

Does he have any other tongues? I know he has one on each hand and of course the one on his face. Maybe I'll ask him. He probably won't answer me—he doesn't like me very much, not after that _incident_.

Itachi….

(IJAC)

"….What the hell am I reading?"

(IJAC)

Ha, well, there ya go. I've decided that it'd be fun to tell you guys the songs I listen to every time I open up to write stuff.

Day 1: "Enormous Penis" by Da Vinci's Notebook (the name says it all, people; Sai would love this song)

Day 2: "Gay" by Stephen Lynch (favorite line from that song: "If I were gay, we'd swim in romance. But I'm not gay. So get your hand out of my…pants")

Day 3: "INDEPENDENT" by Webbie, featuring Lil' Boosie and Lil' Phat (how many "lil'"s are in the rap industry? And what happens when they're not little any more—do they just become Boosie and Phat? And what about the "big" s—did they start out lil and then evolve?)

Day 4: "Lumberjack Song" by Monty Python (if you know who this guy is, I don't need to explain myself. If you don't know who this guy is, look him up on Youtube. Right. Now. "Holy Grail"—best movie EVAH!)


	3. Orochimaru

Man, I didn't really like that last chapter

Man, I didn't really like that last chapter. I'm sure most of you felt the same way. The strange thing is that I don't _know_ what was so wrong about it; it just seems _off_ when I read it.

I hope you guys realize that the main purpose behind reviews is to…review. That means point out what's bad (good is always welcome too) stuff and what you think should be changed.

I like the fact that you guys are reading my story, and because of that I want you guys to keep reading it—I want you to continue liking it. If I do something wrong, I'd rather you tell me to fix it than I would for you to just give up on reading.

K?

Enjoy.

(IJAC)

"That…that's _Itachi's _journal?"

"Wow…."

"The fact that an _Uchiha_ wrote it is bad enough…."

"But this was written by _the_ Uchiha."

"…Mr. I-killed-my-clan-so-_pheer_-me Uchiha."

"Let me see it." Shikamaru held out his hand and I placed the book in it. He flipped through the pages. "I don't recognize the hand writing…though, it's not like I've ever _seen_ his writing before…." He turned to one of the Anbu. "Do we have anything in his records folder? Old mission reports? Anything I could use to compare it to?"

"I'll go see." A guard disappeared.

Ino moved to peer over Shikamaru's shoulder. "Are you gonna read it out loud, Shikamaru, or just keep it to yourself?"

He frowned and handed it to her.

"Fine, I'll read it then." She leaned up against the wall and turned to the first page. "I'll start from the beginning this time, though…at least, what's left of it.

"Dear Journal…

(IJAC)

Dear Journal,

I'm so tired. I've been running for days. This is the first time we've taken a break in hours.

They didn't send any Anbu after us, but a few jounin got close to catching up on the first day. They've probably given up by now.

Itachi

.

Dear Journal,

Madara just informed me that he forgot to bring food with him. But if he doesn't find any before sunset, I might just go cannibal for a day.

Itachi

Dear Journal,

I can't stop thinking about that night. I thought that if I avoided writing about it, I'd forget; but it hasn't been working.

There was just so much blood. Everyone was so caught off guard that I hardly had to think about killing them. None of them put up a fight. It hurts me to know it but, if they'd tried to protect themselves, I don't think I could've gone through with it. I'm not as strong as the elders think I am.

I knew from the beginning that I'd never be able to kill Sasuke. I've been by his side since the day he was born and, even though I'm abandoning him now, I can't let him go.

I almost broke down when he came after me with those knives. I remember crying but, hopefully, he doesn't.

Itachi

.

Dear Journal,

If I ate Madara, what would he taste like? Would he be good?

Oh, God, I think I'm making myself sick.

Itachi

.

Dear Journal,

Should I have brought Sasuke with me?

Itachi

(IJAC)

"Why would he be trying to bring you with him, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura asked.

He tried to look like he was ignoring her.

Shikamaru shifted his footing, crossed his arms, "I thought he wanted you to stay here and learn to hate him. Why would he want you with him?"

Still no answer

"There's something you're not telling us, Uchiha." Shikamaru scowled at him. "…We'll figure it out, even if you keep quiet."

.

Dear Journal,

Would you believe me if I told you that that butt-head Madara tried to drop me off in front of the Hidden Rain village today? He was all like, "just go inside. Find a hotel or something. I'll send someone here to keep you company in a few days."

What did he expect? Did he think they'd let an S-Rank missing ninja like into their village?

No, they wouldn't, and I told him that.

After arguing about it for, like, ever, he gave me some of the money he stole from my parents and checked me into a hotel in the next village over.

I have to admit, it's a nice room.

It makes me wonder, though, how much money did he take?

Itachi

.

Dear Journal,

Madara has been gone for two days now. What am I supposed to do by myself?

Maybe I should go outside.

Itachi

.

Dear Journal,

It felt like someone was following me around today.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Itachi

.

Dear Journal,

A man came to my room about an hour ago. He told me Madara sent him. I didn't believe him, mainly because he had a Leaf Village forehead protector. I closed the door on him and he went away eventually.

Should I have done that?

Itachi

.

Dear Journal,

That man came back by today. I let him explain himself this time. He told me that Madara ran into him on his way to the Rice Country.

When I asked him about the forehead protector, he told me he was a missing nin too.

The fact that he willingly betrayed the Leaf Village already makes me feel a little uneasy around him, but he's also a little—I don't know—strange.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid again.

Itachi

.

Dear Journal,

Madara sent a letter to our room today. It said that he wasn't going to return to me, but that Orochimaru (the guy)…

(IJAC)

"Orochimaru?" Sasuke whispered the name from the far end of his cell.

"Yeah—Orochimaru. You didn't know that he was in the Akatsuki?"

Sasuke went back to ignoring us.

(IJAC)

…and I were to sneak into the Rain Village and find a group of men by the name of "Pain".

That's an English word, isn't it? I wonder what it means.

Itachi

(IJAC)

"I have the files." The guard surprised me a little. I didn't hear him come in.

Shikamaru held out his hand. "Good. Now, let me see them."

(IJAC)

Short Chapter. I'm not being very funny for some reason.

I posted a new poll on my profile. Please go answer it.

Day 1: "Same Girl" by R. Kelly and Usher (I also like the remix version of this song; T-Pain's voice makes me laugh)

Day 2: "The Joker Mash-up with Everything I Own" by Jason Mraz and Chrissie Hydne (it's from Happy Feet…the children's movie with the most innuendos I have ever heard)

Day 3: "I'm Grown" by Tiffany Evans and Bow Wow (The first time I ever heard this girl sing was back when the Tarzan II movie came out. She was the one in the commercials who sang "Who Am I")

Day 4: "Girlfriend (Japanese version)" by Avril Lavigne (I like this version more than the original…)


	4. Clouds

I had the weirdest dream last night about how I could make this story more interesting. It involved a series of really random happenings and a never ending vortex of inconsequential stupidity. It made me laugh so hard that I woke up my parents, in the next rooms over without me actually gaining consciousness in the process (in other words, I was still asleep). Now I sit here at my computer with nothing but that story line playing over and over in my head—I have no choice but to actually use the idea.

I hope you like it:

0123456789

When I turned to look at the guard who was handing Shikamaru the folders, I was surprised to see who it really was. "Captain Yamato, when did you get here?"

"Just now, actually," Captain smiled as he scratched the back of his head with his free hand. "I intercepted the Anbu that was on his way here and told him that he was needed elsewhere. Then he told me to bring you that." He pointed to the folder in Shikamaru's hand.

"Oh—well since you're here _now_, 'might as well stay for story-time." Neji added sarcastically, "We could always use more people in this tiny dungeon."

"That's the spirit, Neji!" Lee patted him on the back. Neji just scowled.

"What exactly are you kids reading anyways?" Yamato asked.

"We're reading a diary!" I answered him excitedly…. Wait!—did he just call us **kids**?

He looked me. "…What?"

"We found this diary and now we're reading it!"

"Why?"

"Cuz Sasuke's being an ass!" I pointed at said Uchiha, who just pouted and looked away.

"Oh," He brightened. Yamato turned his head in Sasuke's direction. "So you own a diary, Sasuke-kun? I see you take after your brother, then."

"It…" I looked back over at him. "It's _Itachi's_ diary, Captain."

"Well, we don't know that for sure yet, but…" Shikamaru stepped beside me, "You knew about the journal?"

"Nope."

"But—"

"—Nope." Yamato snatched the book from Ino. "But back when…" He frowned. "Back when Kakashi-sempai, Itachi-san, and I were on a team together, Kakashi would tell me--in _detail_--about back when he used to baby-sit the Uchihas. He mentioned this journal. I'd like to know what's in it."

"…So you're gonna read it then?"

"Why would I _read_ it? Don't you guys know it's more interesting to _watch _things like this?" When nobody answered, he continued. "When someone writes in a journal, they don't write details; they write summaries. In other words, reading this will most likely be, well, _boring_."

"It hasn't been _that_ boring."

"Well if you feel that way now, you'll like my way that much more."

"What are you planning on doing?"

"Ino," Yamato motioned towards the exit, "go find your dad."

"Right," And, with that, she left.

"What are you planning, captain?"

"The Yamanaka's are good with entering the thoughts of things—dead or alive. Be it a human being or an inanimate object, as long as it took thinking to create, they can project it as a picture."

Shikamaru's eyes widened, "So you're saying…"

"Yes, in a few moments, we're going to see exactly what Itachi saw back when he wrote this."

"…Wow."

"Yamato-kun," Ino's dad addressed him as he came through the door. "Ino tells me you needed to see me."

"Yeah," He handed him the book. "You know what to do, right, Inoichi-san?"

"Hn," He looked the journal over. "…Yeah, I think I can pull it off."

"Thank you."

It was quiet for a moment; we were all just watching Inoichi as he held the book, his eyes closed.

"_So how are we supposed to do this?"_ Everyone's head snapped in the direction of the new voice.

"_I'm not sure…. The Rain has some pretty strong defenses."_

"Oh, my…."

"That's…amazing…."

"_I would suggest a stealth attack from the back wall, but…."_

"_Yeah, I see what you're saying. If this place is anything like the Leaf, a breach from any direction is like walking right through the front door."_

"I really…didn't know you guys could do something like this."

Right here—right in front of us, we were watching them. Itachi and a younger (admittedly, better looking) Orochimaru were standing at the perimeter of a very stormy village.

And the picture was so _clear_.

"_But this isn't the Leaf, Itachi-chan."_

"_We have to assume, Orochimaru-san."_

"_Please, Itachi-chan, just call me Orochimaru. But, yes, I guess you're right. If we are to do this without being noticed, we have to take precautions." _Orochimaru turned to look up the big wall. _"Come this way."_ He pulled Itachi by the hand, only to have it snatched away.

"_Don't do that!" _A redder Uchiha scowled at the older man. **"Who does he think he is, just reaching out and grabbing me like that!?"**

"Were those…"

"Yes, Itachi's thoughts." Inoichi answered.

Orochimaru looked at him blankly before giving the boy a small grin. _"Come on."_ He walked on. Itachi followed.

"**What is he planning on doing…?" **_"Orochimaru…where are we going?"_

"_Through the front."_

Itachi stopped, _"What?"_

"_We're walking through the front gate."_

"_What!?" _**"That's **_**worse**_** than sneaking in!"**

Orochimaru stopped and held out his hand. Itachi reflexively took a step back. _"Where's your headband?"_

"_Why?"_

"_I need to put it on." _He began taking his off. _"You haven't marked it yet, have you?"_

"**What does he mean by **_**marked **__**it**_**?"**

Orochimaru ran his thumb over the gash in his forehead protector. Itachi finally got what he meant.

"_Oh, no—I haven't marked it yet."_ The boy pulled his head band out of his pocket.

"_We'll tell them that we were sent here on a mission to deliver something to the kage."_

"**Oh, yes—that's **_**bound**_** to work." **_"And what are you delivering?"_

"_You," _He answered flatly.

"_You're what!"_

"_Madara told me about the massacre and I know for a fact that word hasn't reached very far outside of the village yet. Your kind have been lent to other countries before, I'll just say I'm the escort…. But I'm still a little surprised. Something as big as what you did wouldn't normally be kept hidden from other villages."_

"_Maybe it's to keep our village from looking vulnerable."_

He sighed, _"…Maybe."_

Itachi just stared at him for a moment, then reached—

"This is really boring me." A new voice cut in.

I turned to face her. "Hey!—How'd you get in here?" It was that boob-acetous Samui girl from the cloud village.

"Well," the guy on her team (Omoi?) started. "It seems to me that those whose jobs it was to guard this area were far to distracted by the mind magician's illusion to do their jobs properly. We, as a team, simply had to—oomph!"

"Why don't you just say 'we fuckin' walked in'!?" His sister (I guess. Her name does kinda match his) asked after slapping him over the head.

"Why do you always hit me, Karui!?" Omoi looked like he was about to cry. "Is it because, out of the two of us, I came out, not only first, but prettier?"

"What was that!?"

"I believe you heard me!"

"You two are giving me a head ache," boobs rubbed her temples.

"The shear weight of your breasts is simply causing you to bend in a manner that cuts off some circulation to your brain; therefore, causing a pain to surface. Our bickering has nothing to do with it."

"Will you idiots cut it out," Sasuke was the one to interrupt them. "You're all annoying me to death."

"You think we care?" Samui turned to him. "You're the one who betrayed your village and then went on to kidnap our teacher. We honestly don't give a damn about what bothers you."

"Are you trying to start something!?" Sasuke stood.

"Yeah, and I'm going to end it too!"

"Is it just me," I whispered to Omoi, "or do they remind you of each other too?"

"Yeah….They both lead the teams they're put on; they are both darkly attractive."

"The only difference is their cup size," Karui added.

"Well, Sasuke's chest _is_ pretty big." Sakura joined.

"They both have wide hips."

"Do you think…that if Samui is large here," Omoi fisted his chest, "then Sasuke-kun is large th—"

A kunai whizzed by is face. Samui and Sasuke were both glaring in our direction.

Everyone went silent.

"_DON'T EAT THAT!"_

Our attention snapped back to the other show.

"_What are you, some kinda cannibal plant!?"_

I totally forgot that was still playing.

9876543210

_To be continued…_

A/N: The first draft of this involved Kakashi. I was really close to publishing it, but then I read the recent chapters…. I had to write the whole thing over again! (TToTT) It's not as funny, either! *dies* Damn you, Kishi-sensei! I had to replace Yamato with Kakashi and then team blackness with Yamato (though they were very fun to write for, admittedly).

No more songs—I've come to realize that they actually affect my writing style. Whenever a slow song was on, I'd write angsty. Fast songs messed with my concentration (many spelling errors). Silly songs made me want to steal something….

Did anyone other than me know that the guy who plays Sasuke in the Japanese version of Naruto also plays Bloo in the Japanese dub of "Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends"?

It's really fun to look up things like that:

Orochimaru (Japan), (both) Konohamaru (s), and (both) Naruto (s) are all women.

Konohamaru's actor also voices pikachu.

Naruto is also Akamaru.

Iruka, Itachi, Kakashi, Gaara, Hidan, and Chouji have all been in yaoi animes.

And on an unrelated note: Light from Death Note is also Tamaki Suoh (Ouran High) and Zero (Vampire Knight).


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